Lesson learned: choose your references carefully!

I really don't like to post anything too personal on my blog, but I feel compelled to vent and let others have a laugh at my "Larry David" moment.  First, let me provide you with a little background.  I'm in graduate school.  I'm studying Leadership Studies.  Before you begin, yes this is an actual major and my focus is on "school leadership."  One of the requirements of the program was to take a conference on this thing called "Emergence."   Alums of this conference called it "weird", "hokey", or just a complete waste of time.  So with all of these pre-conceived notions, I didn't know what to expect.  I had a little anxiety over it, but secrectly I was very excited because I thought, being the continuous learner I am, that it would be an opportunity to laugh, cry, and hug with others.  I didn't share this with my peers for fear of ridicule. I should've just said what I thought because I ended up crying in front of them in the conference anyway.  Even with that being said, I still went in thinking it was... a joke.

Before the actual conference took place,  I remember students of my program having a pre-conference session. During this pre-conference, the instructor allowed people to share what they were thinking and, if they took the conference before, what their experience was like during and after the conference.

I remember one person in particular saying something that has always stuck with me.  He was in the back of the room and said that the meaning of the conference didn't hit him until much later. He said it hit him in spurts... he grew because of the conference but what he got out of it, he didn't appreciate until later.


If you ever want to check out the hokey conference(which I'm so glad I participated in and will do so again in 2012),click here below for more details on how you can sign up here. I've inserted a youtube clip so you can form some sort an idea of what the conference is about:

                    CLICK HERE TO REGISTER FOR THIS CONFERENCE FOR 2012


So how does this relate to my topic of choosing your references carefully?

Okay, I recently had my second interview for an administrative position. That's right, second, meaning the first one I totally blew. (Obviously because I wasn't hired.)  I was super excited.  The interview went well... or so I thought.  After the interview, I called my references and gave them a heads up.  I told them that I just had an interview and that they may receive a phone call from the district.

Then as I took the 121 mile drive home (yep this district was far), a red light went off.

Here is some background info  on the red light and Larry David moment: 
Someone who I recently offended (unknowingly) was listed as a reference.  If you're a frequent reader of my blog (WELCOME BACK AND THANK YOU), you will know I deleted a post about a Facebook friend, former colleague of mine, and real life friend (all the same person, she wore many hats) who was offended at my posting on children of coloring needing teachers of color: click here to read the post

She was offended and stated that kids of color need "any" teacher who can authentically know them and teach them.  I told her, that as a white woman (a social identity that she inadvertently admitted to claiming, thus her being offended), there was a limited amount of empathy she could provide to her students of color. As a Black woman, it made perfect sense to me. She's never felt the pain of comments I've been exposed to?  She isn't worried about what school district she will place her non existent children because Black males, no matter the background of the parents, typically fall into sub-group categories and fall short academically of their white male counterparts... she will never know that.  Well that set her off and she told me her great grandmother was a full blooded Native American and that no one in History has been more oppressed than Native Americans and I was a racist and she couldn't be friends with a racist. So she deleted me from Facebook and began to message my husband saying she would sue me for libel and slander over me putting her response to my blog post on my blog (like I said I deleted it because I never want to be the kind of person who knowingly upsets someone, but at the time I saw it as feedback and wanted you all to read it). I guess she was really angry by my posting her information (I deleted her name) on my blog.
While I was very disappointed and deeply hurt by this person's FALSE accusation that was completely ridiculous, days later something hit me.

While she never called me to discuss my position like a mature person, I too was guilty of something: invalidating the opposing opinion of what I believe to be fact.

Had my conference on Emergence not taught me anything?

The teacher or "authority" of the conference told all the students that one of they many  purposes of the conference was to "see patterns in your behavior" and to "ask yourself why you keep finding yourself in the same situations over and over again."

*DING, DING, DING*

So I realized that his person who I just deeply offended WAS LISTED AS A REFERENCE FOR THIS POSITION.  OH NO!

Are you feeling the Larry David moment yet?

To give you a summary:

1. I asked the girl to be a reference, girl agrees. She's a reference for two years.
2. I list girl as a reference for this position.
3. I get called in for an interview for this position.
4. I offend girl two days later.
5. I go on the interview.
6. I remember girl was reference.
7. In a panic, I email the HR department of the district and provide an alternate reference saying the person's information that I offended was no longer valid.
8. I didn't get the position
9. I am unsure if they called girl.

If they did call her and she, the week prior, had nothing but nice things to say about me, and now, because of a Face book posting, had nothing but venom to spit knowing that I'm trying to be the kind of leader we used to talk about, knowing the livelihood of my family could greatly be improved, knowing I'm trying to move to a district that celebrates cultural diversity a little more than San Diego... surely she wouldn't say anything nasty, right?

I don't know, I'll never know. And that friends is where the lesson comes into play.

So the lesson is two fold:

A. Don't get caught up in the same behavior pattern when a secondary emotion like anger sneaks up on you.
B. Make sure you put reputable, professional, not too personal people as your references.

I have a list of at least 20 people who can, with validity, say nothing but amazing things about my ability to facilitate trainings, lead professional developments for teachers, behave professionally, and can make note of my growth in the last two years.  Did I use ANY of those people... NO!  I used angry girl... look where that got me?

Do yourself a favor and have your resume and references pre-screened.  Ask a friend who has experience with hiring to call your references blindly just to see what they have to say about you.  DO THIS, it could make or break you...

*EXHALE*

I release you experience... I release you.